Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
