If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
