Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
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