having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
Randomize
