I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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