brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
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