I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
