what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
