he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
