They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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