Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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