if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
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Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
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Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize