I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
