I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
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