The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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