Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
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