I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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