i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Randomize
