its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
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