You just made me feel so damn special
I looked at my own cervix.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
He called his prostate his "boner button".
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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