The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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