I must be too annoying 4 u.
I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
