You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
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Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
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Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
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