the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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