I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
