I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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