I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Randomize
