I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
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