I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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