he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
