Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Randomize
