you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
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Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
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Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
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