Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
