we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Randomize
