I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
