Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
