easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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