just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Randomize
