maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
I fill condoms, not promises.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
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