Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
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