we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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