Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
