i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
