At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
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