my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
