I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
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