Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
Randomize
