My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
I need a beard to bite.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
