I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Randomize
