did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
