I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
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