thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
accomplished twins. life is a go
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
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