My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Randomize
