I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Cool, see you soon... she just admitted to her friends that it was a queef.
Megan Fox is the only woman I would let pee on me.
I'm similar. She's the only woman I'd ask to pee on me.
Ok yeah you're right. I'd ASK Megan Fox to pee on me. I'd ALLOW Erin Andrews to pee on me if she asked.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
