i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
