remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
He had some BAD nuttage
Nuttage?
It's like cleavage......... but different
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
