i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
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She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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